I first heard of the Black Dog (of death), as a psychopomp rather than a terrifying hellhound, in a 2023 reading of Peter S. Beagle’s story, “Mr. McCaslin.” That’s a gentle, sweet, and occasionally funny story. Cassandra Khaw’s upcoming short novel, Find Me Where It Ends, has some gentle moments and occasional humor, even bits of beauty, but it’s far more brutal and harsh, too; maybe that makes it more honest. In the end, however, it’s a story that provides some solace and strength. Find Me Where It Ends demands some content warnings, but it’s well worth reading.
The book is told from the point of view (third person, past tense) of Antigone, who suddenly finds a black dog waiting on her stoop. She immediately knows what this means, since her mother had been confronted with a similar messenger eight years ago, as had previous women in their bloodline, although the length of time between the appearances and the deaths had varied greatly. Antigone’s mother hadn’t waited around for the dog to pick the moment, however, but had committed suicide.
At the time this book starts, Antigone is only 40, but she is very tired of dealing with her mother’s inheritance (her sister had said Antigone, lacking kids, should shoulder all the burdens of the estate), and tired of dealing with clients who claim they’re haunted but don’t want to deal with anything themselves. Her best friend Vera, in my view, pushes where she shouldn’t, and can’t find the words to lift Antigone’s depression, even when she’s trying hard. There’s also a cat that has just been learning to trust Antigone, who is added to the list of responsibilities to be passed along when Antigone starts planning for her death.
The dog appears to be devoted to Cassandra, with soft fur that’s nice to stroke, and golden eyes that mostly stay focused on her. She gets used to its presence in her life and begins to accept what appears to be inevitable. In fact, death may be a relief, permission to stop trying.
WARNING: PLOT SPOILERS!
Antigone starts dwelling on everything negative in her life, beating herself up for her failings and thinking of herself as a disappointment to everyone connected with her. This is precipitated by her starting to exorcize a ghost, then being begged to stop by the ghost’s living daughter, who blames herself for the ghost’s unhappiness. Antigone feels useless for being unable to help.
Later, an old acquaintance shows back up in her life. He makes no demands upon her, but he’s just sure that she shouldn’t be alone now. He asks her to share some minor memories of happy little things in her life. This helps her to start getting involved in her own life again, instead of constantly detaching and distancing herself, and so things finally start looking like they’re on a better path again.
This reminds me a bit of a very different book, Blood Sport (1967) by Dick Francis. It’s about a secret agent who spends his mandatory vacation as a busman’s holiday, looking for an acquaintance’s missing stallion. Along with solving the mystery, he is wrestling with deep depression. He finally decides that he’ll give in and commit suicide, but will wait until he can tie up some loose ends. Touching bottom in this way is a great relief to him, and he then finds the strength to put it off and off and off, until he begins to be interested in living again.
END SPOILERS
Part of the depression in Find Me Where It Ends is about harsh self-criticism, and brutal verbal exchanges, and lacking empathy for each other’s struggles; part is about the weight of unrelenting exhaustion; and part is about withdrawing from life, and the self-acceleration toward destruction that doing so can encourage. But part of it is also about finding joy in the little things in life, and the big things like good, supportive friendships, and about finding meaning after all.
This will be a very hard book to get through for some people, and it may be necessary to carefully consider whether you’re in the right place to start it. But for those who can persist in reading, as for those who persist in living, there are rewards in the end. You may just have to try harder to go on and find them.
Find Me Where It Ends, by Cassandra Khaw, 144 pages, will be released Oct. 6, by Tor Nightfire.
Content warnings: Suicide, suicidal ideation, grief, helplessness.
Disclaimers: I received a free eARC from the publisher for review via NetGalley.
